Dig Deep - Its Ok
Y'all Need to Dig Deeper, They Said
Working through my fear of opening up to others
Deep conversations brand me uncomfortable.
I'thousand good at surface level communication, but struggle opening upward to others. I tin can start conversations with people and facilitate a few laughs. We can talk about where we grew up, our family unit dynamics, and weekend plans. I'll be a listening ear as people express their hardships and I'll thoughtfully inquire follow-upwardly questions.
Just for me to be in the spotlight is harder. For me to talk near what'southward weighing heavy on my eye, why it feels like I have a rock in my stomach, and what emotions consume me today is hard to exercise. I've been told several times in my life to "dig deeper", which I ignored for a while. I decided to cease brushing it off, and I must say I'm learning and resolving a lot.
Those Who Told Me to Look Beyond the Surface
The beginning was at a time when everything seemed to go wrong. A classmate, 1 whom I'd had few interactions with, could tell I was struggling. He kept request questions about my life and feelings, only I didn't care to share. I diverted with surface level answers. I'd start to divulge more, so concur dorsum. Everything is fine.
"Carly, you have thick skin," he spoke softly, "Bullet-proof, really. You end every response with 'it's fine', but I tin tell it is far from fine. Yous need to dig deeper. Tell me what'south going on."
How did this about-stranger know my deepest feelings? I kept them to myself, or and then I thought. I didn't want to be a person who struggled. I need to be strong for myself and others. I am a nice and happy person.
The second time was on a mission trip to Haiti. Ane woman in our grouping, in her belatedly 40s, wrote me a alphabetic character at the stop of the trip. It included kind words of how she enjoyed my presence and was happy to meet me, and at the end she wrote, "Don't exist afraid to dig deeper."
Twice, the same words, years apart past two different people who hardly knew me? How could they know that I'm holding back parts of myself? Why do they desire to know these things so badly? I'm no longer in contact with either of them, but they affected me more than than they know. Their words helped me take a deeper expect into myself.
Why It'southward Hard for Me to Open Up
That's the cocky-prescribed prompt I've been answering lately. Why do I prefer listening and talking nearly others more than myself? I need to answer this question if I accept whatsoever promise of fostering change, then resolve my fears.
I've been hurt by others in the by
Similar many, I've had my off-white share of hurtful relationships. We moved effectually a lot when I was a kid, and so childhood friendships faded. My college boyfriend cheated on me with my at-the-time best friend while I studied abroad for a semester. A couple family members have moved away to kickoff new lives, never looking back. I've realized I stay surface level with others so I don't get besides attached. I am less likely to get injure if I move, they reconsider, or one of us starts over.
I'm working on it. I fully realize it'south worth the risk to become shut to people versus avoiding it out of fear. It takes a lot of cocky talk to reassure myself that most people are genuinely adept. I can't projection my by hurts onto new people. Plus, the relationships that ended all taught me something. I still have wonderful memories from them, despite the bad endings. It's okay that not all relationships last forever.
I don't like to re-live the hurt
I've candy through a lot of painful relationships and events in my life, just notwithstanding have a way to go. I notice when I talk about my by, I sometimes get biting or nonchalant. With the cheating incident, for example, I either say hurtful things about the two people involved or explicate it similar it's a thing-of-fact incident. They're on farthermost ends of the spectrum, and I don't like either.
I'yard actively working on reframing by experiences, forgiving people, and moving on. I'm deciding who I want to be now and in the future instead of relying on my past and others.
I oft cry when I talk nigh it
When something is bothering me, I concord the large details near. I oft weep when I try to talk or if someone asks nigh it. My emotions are bottled up and shoved and so deep in my mind that it feels like they explode if I open my oral fissure to speak. I don't mind crying in front of my husband or a shut friend, merely information technology's inconvenient when it happens at piece of work or in public.
But when I talk nigh things more often or every bit before long as they bother me, my emotions are stable. I'm not assuasive them the time to fester or build. It tin can exist uncomfortable to talk nearly information technology, but prevents worse feelings downwardly the route.
Others say I am a happy and positive person
And I desire to stay that style. Part of my personality is being a person who is positive and smiles often. I enjoy being told that I low-cal upwardly the room and put people in better moods. When I take a feeling or experience that doesn't align with that, I stifle it. That's not who I am.
This one is taking longer to work on. I demand the gentle reminder I am a human being with many emotions. It'south okay, and expert, to experience and express all of them. Information technology's normal to have moments of sadness, anger, frustration, and fear. Experiencing and expressing them doesn't brand me an unhappy or negative person. It makes me more than relatable to others. Recently, my car broke downward on the highway and someone hacked my debit card. I shared those negative things with others, and people genuinely cared about my state of affairs. They shared similar experiences, and nosotros had groovy discussions.
I like to be liked and fear being judged
I don't like when people are angry with me or project negative traits on me. I am a people pleaser and although I know it's not possible to e'er brand others happy, information technology's an innate tendency for me. I recently had a story on Medium accomplish a lot of people — it was about the 6 yr struggle with my weight. Information technology's the offset piece I truly opened up with and shared my deepest thoughts.
About people responded nicely, but a few told me my struggles weren't every bit bad as theirs, I was as well young to know what I was maxim, and weight management shouldn't be hard. It tore me down, and I was in a dark place for weeks. Instead of existence happy about my success, I was depressed from the words of others. I retreated to surface level pieces and discussion.
I'one thousand withal working through that upshot with a lot of positive self talk. I can't make everyone happy, but I can focus on my happiness and realize others will take their own thoughts and opinions. The ones I intendance nigh for are my shut family unit and friends. Opening upward creates vulnerability. I believe almost people see vulnerability and respond kindly, only some will inevitably express negativity. That'southward okay, and I will choose to not let information technology derail my efforts.
Now, I Live More Fully
It's uncomfortable, but I'm having those hard discussions with people. I express my emotions when I experience them instead of letting them build up. I explain how I truly experience when someone asks, and I talk about more simply the weekend. This was mode outside of my condolement zone at start, but it gets a piddling easier each time.
I experience meliorate subsequently having big talks — it's an overwhelming feeling of relief and pure joy that I don't get when discussing surface level topics. When I talk nearly things more often, I don't weep when someone brings it upwards. I dwell less and forgive more. My relationships thrive and I feel lighter.
I feel closer to myself and others. Communication in my marriage has improved. I handle conflict at work improve. Relationships with friends, patients, and friendly strangers are more enjoyable. I feel I'm living a piece of life I hadn't experienced earlier. I'g allowing myself to openly experience the array of emotions which makes u.s. human. I am learning more about myself, others, and this cute world nosotros alive in.
The things that help me
Writing has been a neat outlet. Sometimes I have so many emotions that I don't know what I feel, let alone how to explain it to someone else. Journaling and writing stories helps me effigy out what I'm feeling. This story directly addresses my struggles, and many others allow me to procedure through experiences, reframe them, and learn about myself.
I trust others. This can be scary, especially when some have betrayed or left in the by, but it's necessary to motion on. People are good, and those who are in your life deserve to know these things.
Become out of your head, I have to tell myself sometimes, when I'thou wondering if I'm being judged for my emotions or opinions. This person cares for you and wants the best for you. Don't worry nearly what others think. Anyhow, y'all can't make everyone else happy.
I reassure myself that I am, indeed, a happy and positive person. Information technology's normal to non be 100% happy and positive all the time. Information technology'south okay to not be okay — to feel sad, angry, and frustrated. The of import matter is to procedure through those emotions and then they don't get bottled up and explode afterwards.
I Know I'm Not Alone
While processing through all this, I talked with a few people who said they also struggle to open up to others. Ironically, those are some people I've had the best talks with. Not that I want others to struggle, merely there'due south a sense of comfort knowing I'g not the merely 1 who'southward innate tendency is to canteen things upwardly. They are working on it and also experiencing the joys of digging deeper.
Like with virtually things in life, existence vulnerable with myself and others is a piece of work in progress. I'm happy with how far I've come and will keep trying. Opening upward to others tin be scary, simply it's worth it to trust people. It's ever a take chances to get hurt, but digging deeper is manner more than fulfilling than living life on the surface.
Source: https://psiloveyou.xyz/you-need-to-dig-deeper-they-said-bc749f49887
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